Competitor Bios
Note: Judge Tom Haverford reviewed the bios submitted by the contestants, and he was shocked to find that many of them contained slanted, self-promotional information. So in the interest of truth, he's decided to publish his own personal notes on each competitor.
Sally Eschers
Sally is the dark horse of the competition, in that her jawline, nose, and overall facial region make her look like a dark horse. Nice eyes, though. Odds of winning: 15/1.
Alexandra Lebster
Alexandra is one of those girls who looks pretty good from the waist up, but downstairs it's Thick City. And her calves are the mayor. Pretty cool girl, though. Odds of winning: 30:1.
Samantha Lethe
This girl's the total package: okay face, okay body. Isn't funny, but gets good jokes. I think there's a 70% chance she wears a wig. Odds of winning: 22:1.
Denise Yermley
Is this some kind of joke? This chick is like a thousand years old. Odds of winning: N/A.
Susan Gleever
I think she plays the piano. Whatever. Yawn festival!!!
Trish Ianetta
Trish has a lot going for her. Let's talk about her arms. Perfect. Toned, thin but not too thin. Skin: the exact right color. Taut, no stretch marks, not hairy. Chest region: magical. Neck: amazing. Face/head: this is where it really starts getting good. She's like Amanda Bynes without the puffy cheeks, if that makes sense. There is really nothing bad to say about this human being, except that she makes all the other girls look like weird trolls.
